The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Breaking news: People magazine thinks Chris Evans is sexy. That’s it, that’s the article.

Late Show host Stephen Colbert has announced People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive 2022, revealing it to be none other than famous shield-thrower, sweater-wearer, and iPhone 6S user Chris Evans. When asked by 2016’s Sexiest Man Alive Dwayne Johnson to say a few sexy words, the owner of America’s ass said, “Go vote tomorrow.”

Johnson also helpfully clarified that People magazine lore dictates that the title of Sexiest Man Alive exists “in perpetuity,” meaning previously crowned sexy men such as Johnson and last year’s winner Paul Rudd simultaneously hold the title while they still draw breath. It’s like the kings and queens of Narnia. Once a People magazine Sexiest Man Alive, always a People magazine Sexiest Man Alive.